Pickles' Progress
by A. N. Ominous
Pickles the dragon lives in the realm of the Magical Dragons,
located on the fifth star to the left of Alpha Centauri as viewed from Earth. Though few men of Earth know of him, all men
owe their continued existence to the brave deeds of this little dragon. To look at him, no person with half a brain
would think Pickles is up to snuff for being a hero. Pickles has a noodle-like
body which is taller than other dragons but also thinner. He has dark green
scales that aren’t even fireproof and a weak stomach. He has pale golden wings
and dull stubby nubs for talons. He has small beady eyes that are not even
capable of night vision and large green ears with average hearing. All-in-all Pickles is an entirely unlikely
hero, but that didn’t stop him from saving the material dimensions.
One
day as Pickles was enjoying watching TV and eating pickles in his skyscraper
home (which is located on the reverse side of a rainbow turned inside out) he
was interrupted by a loud noise, a bright flash of light, and Elvis music. “Greetings Pickles, I am your Fairly Odd Godbother!”
shouted an impressive-looking lime-green, lemon-yellow, and orange dragon.
Since
the intruder was using a megaphone twice the size of himself, Pickles was
momentarily deaf and in shock.
“I
SAID, I AM YOUR FAIRLY ODD GODBOTHER!!!” shouted the intruder through the
megaphone.
“What’s
that?” inquired Pickles (covering his ears, just in case).
“Buddy,
if you live on the reverse side of a rainbow turned inside out and you don’t
know what a fairly odd godbother is, you need to get a life,” replied the fairly
odd godbother. “Call me F.O.G. for short. It’ll save us time, which we might need. You
have been selected by The Council of Oddgodbothers to save the universe.”
“Wow,” said Pickles. “Why?”
“Personally, I thought that more
experienced dragons should be put in charge of saving the multiverse but
apparently the council wants to develop ‘new hero’ talent, ” replied Fog. “In addition, you rarely ever do anything
worthwhile so we thought it would be best to show you that there are important
jobs that need to be done.”
“Can’t you choose someone else?”
asked Pickles hopefully, thinking rather fondly that his favorite TV program
was about to begin.
“We have thirty minutes before Queen
Snowy launches her super weapon. Exactly
how many more dragon homes should I visit?” Fog asked in exasperation.
With a nod of decision Pickles asked,
“Who’s Queen Snowy?”
“Didn’t I tell you?” asked Fog.
“Observe.”
Fog pulled out a translucent blue marble-sized
orb which he poured a glass of water over. It instantly grew to the size of a
basketball. He poked at it with his finger, and it emitted a loud pop and some
Beatles music with pink light. Suddenly it showed a strange room that appeared
to be made out of marshmallows.
In walked a giant polar bear wearing
obnoxious pink armor and bellowing, “Assemble the marshmallow robots! I don’t need
anyone to screw up my perfectly evil plan by wandering in here! Are the nuclear
marshmallows ready? What about the cannon? Is it able to fire? I need my threat
to destroy all of the realms to be legitimate! Otherwise they will never give
me unlimited control over them!”
“Yes, your Evilness Queen Snowy!”
replied a small marshmallow robot.
The image suddenly changed to a
giant marshmallow castle with a giant (you guessed it) marshmallow cannon on
top. Fog looked at Pickles with a great deal of hope (and a little bit of
doubt) and said, “It is your job to destroy the cannon. If I were you, I would
brace for impact.”
Before Pickles could ask why, he
found himself screaming: “WAAAAAHH!”
as he began to fall. Pickles was in a kaleidoscope-like
portal being blasted with Beach Boys music. He suddenly exited the portal one
hundred feet above the ground: “AAAAAAAH!” Splat! Plunk!
Pickles instantly realized that he
was not in the realm of magical dragons anymore because he had just landed in a
giant pile of sassafras ice cream (he was sure no dragon in his or her right
mind would have giant piles of ice cream lying around uneaten). Far away
Pickles could see a small white dot below the mountain of ice cream he was
sitting on.
“Where
are we now?” inquired Pickles.
“The
Mountain of Icy Desserts,” Fog said. “We can get to the castle fast by causing
a slushy avalanche with this,” Fog said pulling out a vibrant green kazoo. Before Pickles had time to think, Fog blew a
long and loud whistle. The unstable mountain
responded to the vibration by crashing and crumpling, and Pickles was subjected
to yet another unexpected means of transportation (though at least this time he
wasn’t assaulted by opera music).
Pickles
and Fog were carried to the castle on the slushy wave and crashed through one
of the windows of a tower. For the
moment they were alone, though the breaking glass had probably been heard.
“As
a godbother, I cannot fight a dictator in the afternoon of a day with a quarter
blue moon after coming in contact with sassafras,” explained Fog. “In fact, the inhabitants here can’t see or
hear me and I cannot harm them. You will
have to find a way to destroy Snowy’s cannon.”
“What
kind of Oddgodbother are you to abandon me right when I need you?” Pickles
exclaimed fearfully.
“Well…
there’s a reason ‘bother’ made it into our name. But I will point out that I’m not abandoning
you, I’m just not as helpful as I usually am.
The sassafras landing was a miscalculation.”
At
the sound of approaching footsteps, Pickles commanded Fog to give him some
rather odd items. When Snowy burst in, she found a dragon with a mustache
wearing a sombrero and poncho and carrying maracas.
“Señorita!
I, Señor Peppers the Dragon am here to entertain you tonight before your great
and glorious multiverse domination. I shall end my great performance at sunset by
launching myself and a thousand fireworks out of your giant cannon. It will be
spectacular. You will be the admiration
of all the realms.”
Snowy,
who was greatly pleased with the plan, called to a nearby guard, “You there…escort
Señor Peppers to the cannon so he can set up for my celebration. Make sure you get him anything he wants.”
After
a short walk to the roof, “Peppers” found himself very pleased with the
situation.
“Bring
me 50,000 pounds of fireworks. Make sure
you bring your brightest colors because this show needs to be impressive. Oh,
exactly how far away is the throne room from this cannon? I want to make sure
they can see the show from there.”
After
receiving the requested supplies and the exact distance to the throne room,
Pickles performed some quick calculations and got to work. Fog was rather enjoying watching Pickles’
plan take form. Fortunately they were
left alone so Pickles could give Fog important instructions before stashing Fog
in the cannon.
Promptly
at 8:00 p.m. Pickles began his Mexican serenade - singing toward the throne
room where Snowy and her generals had assembled. His performance mainly
consisted of “Peppers” jumping around shaking maracas and screaming verses
about the invincibility and power of Queen Snowy. Predictably, Snowy thoroughly enjoyed his
performance, though more than one general were seen grimacing in pain.
“And
now for the grand finale, I shall launch myself out of this cannon into the sky
while you watch!” Pickles said. “Please, count down with me…diez, nueve, ocho,
siete, seis…”
Unknown
to the throne room audience, Fog opened up a portal back to Pickles’ home at
cinco. The clueless Snowy continued the
countdown with glee, “cinco, cuatro, tres, dos, uno!”
In
the safety of Pickles’ home located on the reverse side of a rainbow turned
inside out, Pickles and Fog both eagerly watched through the magic orb as Queen
Snowy’s castle was leveled. Snowy had lost her chance to rule the realms.
“Pickles,
the Council of the Oddgodbothers owe you their greatest thanks for saving the
multiverse,” said Fog. “Now I must go report the good news to the council! We have a rising hero after all.”
In
a puff of smoke, the truly odd visitor was gone. Pickles realized that the
journey had taken no time since his favorite show was just beginning. “Nah, I’d
rather enjoy this beautiful day,” thought Pickles to himself.
And so the inhabitants of earth have a
very unlikely hero in Pickles. And
anyone who is not quite perfect can draw inspiration from his example. In the end Pickles didn’t need fireproof
scales or ferocious talons. He didn’t
need night vision or super hearing. He
needed a little bit of encouragement and quick thinking. Most of all, he needed to know that there are
important deeds that need to be done.
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